Wow. He we are. Me and Lukey bear. The man of the hour. He means the world to me. I look at him and see my moms eyes staring back at me. Plus he loves me. So I even toned it down some I try to dress like a mommy. But I see myself in the mirror and say yea right. ITZ back to the punk rock clothes. And I look at lukey and say rock and roll child. And he  smiles and my heart melts. Cause I love him and miss my mom all in one. I wish she could have seen him and held but what a wicked web we weave when first we try to deceive. Well it's feeding time. Later peeps. STAY TUNED. IM BACK.

I really must say-I knew it was a coming; by "it" I mean Death. It had been in the air for years; just looming over everyone especially momma who said nothing at all.  Who day in and day out listened to us all complain about the little shit in life-and not once did she ever tell us that her hourglass was nearly out.  Seven years ago my step-father had passed away from a hole that blew in his heart.  I had just arrived at work when i got the news that my mother had called and said it was an emergency and could i please meet her at the hospital.  She and I were always close but there was a time when we didnt talk for five years because my step-father was the type to alienate ppeople of course.  He didn't want anyone close to her at all.  Plus, I had decided that i would move to the big city to forget all about my past and horrible truths of life.  It would literally take me years to realize that like everyone says home was were the heart was all alone.  Well long story short-I moved from the big metropolis to a smaller place that was still a big enough city and me and my moms started talking again-i would even go visit from time to time in their neck of the wood but never to long of course-cause of course thatz when the demons of the past would surface with my stepdad an d i.  However after I got the phone call at work-it was a matter of 3 days and he was gone-and itz strange cause a big part of me missed him but i was also happy that my mom would now be free in life.  Itz strange though my grandma once told me an old saying which till this day rings true, "CAREFUL NOT STARE TO LONG INTO THE ABYSS-LESS YOU BECOME THE MONSTER"

Wow. Itz been a long ride. A true journey. With this glorious sadness comes the happiest thought in the world-Lukey Bear. The man of the hour. Moms gone now and in the willows breeze I feel her breath. I also look at my baby and see her eyes and wish she could have held or even seen him. But wut a wicked web we weave when first we learn to deceive. Then there was luke. The other love of my life:

Sorry I have been out for awhile ppl i have had so much going on in my life.  I can proudly say that in april my mother and I found out that i was a month pregnant-I was so excited and overjoyed by the news. My mother and I made a plan and she was going to sit in the labor and delivery room with me and see me the whole way through.  Well Sadly but surely we lost my mom in May and very heartbroken I just closed myself in-however i am proud to say i have bounced back.  Despite a very MISERABLE sister-n-law that stops at nothing to intrude in others pplz lives.  It all began with her in January when i became friends with a very gay guy that she had a crush on for like forever and she just assumed he was my man.  Well the truth is I knew all along that the recent stint he did in federal prison made-me, her , r her cousin that "was in love with him"-not "his type at all".  However as the old cajuns say Sa La Vie.  Well In March When I got pregnant it was with another guy that could care less for her but in her poor sad MISERABLE life she thought she was in love with her r her with him-so needless to say things went downhill from there between me and her.  Regretfully my mother was dateing her TOTAL MISERABLE LOSER of an uncle and while that always made things awkward with everyone when my mom died it left a huge rift-CAUSE QUITE FRANKLY THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ANY ONE TO STAY TIED TO EACH OTHER ANY MORE.  Because like really my momz cancer had been back for 7 yearz and regardless of me telling ppl that they didnt beleive me.  She had met the uncle in the last 2 years of her life and also the last stage of her cancer long after it had reached her brain-and I just sat back and let them date.  Even though he would steal her pills and money and there WERE some very ugly fights-I LET IT GO ON BVECAUSE I FELT MY MOM DESERVED AT THAT A LITTLE BIT OF HAPPINESS BEFORE SHE PASSED-HOWEVER FUCKED UP A FORM THAT HAPPINESS WAS IN.  Since her passing LES MISERABLES and her uncle and her vengeful daughter have spread many of lies about me AND used there fake god to curse me.  Well here is what i have to say to that-#1FOR EVERY ACTION IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION AND #2ME AND MY MOM HAVE BEEN BEST FRIENS FOR 34 YEARZ AND FOR 7 OF THOSE WE FOUGHT HER BATTLE TOGETHER SO I IM GOOD WITH MY LIFE AND ALL IVE DONE-UNLIKE THEM I HAVE NO REGRETS IN LIFE BECAUSE #3 ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE AND HE WHO LAUGHS LAST LAST THE LONGEST.  So to all the readers Im back and stay tuned to more to come

Where Do Good Folks Go When They Die:

Well I dont and will never know. Today I lost my very best friend:MY MOMMA. I shall alwayz remember her and keep her close to my heart.  It was very unexpected and sudden.  Im still in a type of haze of disbeleivement just waiting for reality to hit.  When people say it is the worst heartache they are right-You never know how it truly feels until it has happened to you. I myself know that she knows i loved her but we bickered alot. And it is true that the small things in the end dont really matter-because you never know how short that time really is. There is truly a peice of my soul missing tonight-may she have a great jorney. Shall we meet again one day soon. But on a better note to all this i am now 2 weeks late on my cycle which would make me 5-6 weeks pregnant-and i really now am hoping i am so much. Because maybe my mom can come back.The other day when i realized i was most likely pregnant-I saw the great omen of dealth. I began to cry because i knew for this baby to live sumthing r sum1 must die and sumthing told me it was my mom-BUT I KEPT MY VISIONS TO MYSELF-and tryed to not beleive it. Then as I brought the bike back to my moms house today there was a guy walking down the road. There was nothing to mysterious about him except the sort of aloofness he walked with. He asked where I was going and i told him and he said to me "Well go ahead cause ya mommaz waiting" You know itz funny how you just dont realize these things until it is to late-this will make the 3rd time that me and dealth have rum into each other. You know we have an ongoing rivalry going on the two of us-ME AND DEALTH. Itz like a chess game and it looks like he won again.So right now im going to bed maybe to dream of or make contact with my momma in my dream-DAMN SHE WAS MY BEST AND ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD-I LOVE YOU MOM HAVE A SAFE AND GREAT JOURNEY.

Now once upon a time there was an ice queen who never felt a thing for anyone in the world.She was a horrible person and pushed every1 away. Her heart was a block of ice if she had one at all. For a while she brought only dealth,heartache,and destruction everywhere she went. So much so that when the people noticed her-she brought fear and havoc to their hearts. She left behind her a trail of dealth and tears whereever she would go. Then one day She met The Wind and he ently blew a cool breeze through her hair and it chilled her to the bone.Then he began to whisper sweet nothings in her ear. This inspiredd warmth in her soul and from this came only one thing-the perfect love. Total creation of the two of them-the perfect being. From this she couldn't walk away. She then became happy andand had a second chance. As I tripped the other night this was my vision and just 2nite as i chilled with an old friend we both noticed that all of a sudden every one is getting dragged back 2 this sleepy little town-and being faced with sum mind altering desisions. Is it possibly itz location under orions belt or does it realy have a spell cast on it like evry1 says. Wutever the reason none of us can stay away that long and it has a hold over every1-plus there is that certain magic in the air. As i sat in the graveyard of this mysterious town the other night though and i pondered why i even cared 1 bit at all i looked up at the crisp night sky and out of nowhere the stars began to shoot non-stop. Wutevver phenomenon this was i took it as a sign from the great spirit that everything is a mystery and can be very awe inspiring. Too that no matter  what the reat spirit has our back and is always in some way listening and watching. Cause after all there was no meteor shower reported that night. With that i will leave you to ponder that wut if we knew all the answers to the stars and space-would we then have so much knowledge that we would be dumb-back like in this fabled garden of eden-IT MAKES ME WONDER!!!

Some Things They Just Never Change

It's going on 3 months or so that i've been back in this one horse town that I call my home town.  All that old charm that drew me back too is beginning to where off;and i just want to kick myself for coming back. There is always that person from the past that gets you down too-because they know. They know that one secret-the secret as to why you piced up and hauled ass in the first place. At first, like a made for T.V. movie,the two of you are kool-but then things change and they do the same ole thing that they use to do that pissed you off all those years before.  Some cases it could be a best friend, in some cases it can be an old ex, then in some cases itz your mother.  Your mother that down rates you at every chance she gets-your mother who belittles you because she looks at you and gets jealous-because you have what she let go of and you have more of it. Your mother that once a long time ago let sumone hurt you and she goes and does it again-WHY-I'm guessing it makes her feel superior in some way.However there is something that is still holding you here. Yea you and your friends blame it on the legend of the town being under a spell but in reality you know that you r back home-HOME AGAIN. Wasteing away the moments that make up a dog day and you can dig around on a peice of ground in your hometown and maybe someone can show you the way. Pink floyd hit it right on the nose with those lyrics. So I go outside and sit on the step and look at the stars cause sometimes im absolutely positive that this town is stuck in time vortex in space. Though the stars remind me that ill always have my heavenly father the great spirit in the sky; and the fresh air reminds me that im alive and at least i have my health and life and with that i sit back and escape-if only in my mind. I think of all my mistakes in life and if only I could turn back the hands of time-but i cant. So i make myself a promise to make my future way way better and to just LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND 4EVER. As i fall asleep under the twinkling stars and great big sky-I cant help but be hurt and i cry-but only to myself.Then I pick my head up and think good thouhts and they turn into great dreams-BIG dreams. I then fell into a deep sleep and hoped for a better tomorrow.JUST WAIT...IT WILL COME!!!